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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25253626">The Pain of Secrets</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceQueenOriginal/pseuds/IceQueenOriginal'>IceQueenOriginal</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, Miscommunication, Trans!Roman, Transphobia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:48:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,343</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25253626</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceQueenOriginal/pseuds/IceQueenOriginal</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Roman hates secrets and he hates keeping them, but he still has one. Is it worth keeping from Virgil?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Prinxiety</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Pain of Secrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Author’s Note: This was supposed to be fluffy, that was my original intent. But then my brain decided to make it super angsty. So I apologize. Also, I am not transgender. I’m using the information I learned online as well as from what friends who are have told me. I hoped I portrayed a transgender person correctly. I meant to finish this before the end of pride month but writer’s block did not let that happen. Stay safe everyone.</p>
<p>Warning: Fear of Rejection, transphobia, self-hatred, internalized transphobia, keeping secrets, crying, running away, surgery mention, not taking care of yourself, anxiety, divorce mentioned, inappropriate touching, bad past relationship, hurt/comfort, roman angst, body image issues, bad binding practices, fear of breaking up (Let me know if I missed anything)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Roman hated secrets. Even the word would cause him to have an icky feeling in his chest. To have secrets, you have to lie to the people you care about. Secrets were the reason his parents weren’t together. His mother kept her emotions and suspension secret while his father kept his intimate relationship with a young coworker a secret.</p>
<p>At age 9, Roman swore to his grieving mother when he found her crying in the kitchen in the middle of the night when he could sleep. The smile on his mother’s face was enough to make him never want to break that promise.</p>
<p>That only lasted a couple of months and it was all his stupid body’s fault. If he had just been born in the right body, it wouldn’t be an issue.</p>
<p>You see, Roman wasn’t born a boy. Everyone told him he was a girl because he looked like one, but he didn’t feel like it. He knew he wasn’t but he didn’t know why.</p>
<p>He learned about the word transgender when his uncle took to a very fun and colorful parade that summer after he made his promise. It would later be the first of many Prides he attended and where his uncle met his other future uncle.</p>
<p>It took a few days for him to muster up the courage to tell his mother but his drive to never have a secret was the final push he needed.</p>
<p>His mom accepted him, she got him on HRT and even bought him his first binder. Though, he did notice how there seemed to now be a distance between them. They did fewer things together, his mother slipped up with pronouns, and always seemed like she was herself back from saying something.</p>
<p>But it was fine because at least there were no secrets between them.</p>
<p>“Everything is fine.” Roman would say as he ignored how much that hurt him.</p>
<p>“This is fine,” Roman said to himself as he only applied to colleges out of state. He and his mom just needed some time apart.</p>
<p>“Everything is great,” He told his mom through tears caused by the stress of school and being on his own.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” said Roman when his first boyfriend told him he couldn’t be with a ‘fake man’ anymore after a couple of months of dating.</p>
<p>“It’s fine,” said Roman his second boyfriend angrily dumped him when he found out that Roman is trans. Roman didn’t blame him, he hadn’t told him right away as he did with his first boyfriend. This was his punishment for it.</p>
<p>It was really all fine. Roman didn’t mind being alone, he could handle it just fine. He was fine with always coming home to an empty apartment and an empty bed. A home without someone to hold him, kiss him, reassure him.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>No, no he couldn’t. But he was a good actor and every good actor can lie to themselves.</p>
<p>He, at age 25, decided to put off dating until after he got his top and bottom surgery. It just seemed like the easiest option. His HRT did as much as it could but it couldn’t get rid of that feeling he had every time he looked into the mirror and touched his chest. It was one of the few things he had gotten straight from his mother.</p>
<p>After a late-night of research, he came up with a plan. To get both surgeries, he needs 20,000 dollars in total. Damn you America and your expensive medical costs! Well, there isn’t anything he can do other than every time he got paid, he saves all the extra money he had left after paying his bills and groceries. It wasn’t fun, there was time he wanted to buy that expensive tablet or go to that bar but he wouldn’t touch the money. Not until he had enough.</p>
<p>It was the perfect plan, in his opinion, but the universe was never on his side. He went to the library one day to borrow a book since that was a fun free thing to do, and he accidentally bumped into a young man. After a quick apology, Roman noticed the man was holding a large book of fairy tales. That led to a two-hour debate about the messages of fairy tales.</p>
<p>The man’s name is Virgil and Roman was sure at that moment he is his soulmate.</p>
<p>They spent more of their days texting one another whenever they could. Their first few dates would consist of free things like walking through the park or sitting together in the library. It was lovely. It’s why Roman figured he didn’t have to tell him that he was trans. It wasn’t like they were going to become more than friends. Roman figured this is how their relationship would stay, sweet and simple. That was perfectly fine with him.</p>
<p>Then Virgil invited to dinner to ask him to be his boyfriend. Virgil told him he had never asked anyone else out before but he felt such a strong connection with Roman. Everything about that moment was perfect, the restaurant, Virgil, the music, everything.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until he got home did Roman realize he still hadn’t told Virgil his secret. Roman cried himself to sleep that night.</p>
<p>After that first date, Virgil seemed to only take him to movies or dinners. Places that cost money, money Roman did not have living paycheck to paycheck. Virgil had a high paying office job so he said he didn’t mind. Roman still, at least once a month, would use his grocery money to buy fancy ingredients to make Virgil dinner and eat ramen for the rest of the week. It was nice, Roman had almost forgotten what it was like to go out.</p>
<p>Roman loves Virgil, he told him on their 5th date. He loved him so much that every day he would want to tell him his secret but the fear of losing Virgil would take over and make him chicken out.</p>
<p>That led him to today, almost a year later, sitting in Virgil’s apartment where he was staring at Virgil as his past flashed in front of his eyes like he was Angelica Schuyler during Satisfied.</p>
<p>Why? Because Virgil was inviting him to go to the beach. A place where you wear a swimsuit. Pushing aside how much he hated how he looked in a bathing suit, that meant he had to take off his shirt.</p>
<p>He was so screwed.</p>
<p>A cold hand jolted him out his thoughts so quickly that a small yelp escapes Roman’s lips. Roman scared eyes lock with Virgil’s loving and concerned eyes.</p>
<p>“Ro? What’s wrong? Do you not want to go?” Virgil asks softly, gently rubbing his knuckles</p>
<p>“No! I do! I do!” Roman replies quickly, a bit too quickly to alleviate Virgil’s concern.</p>
<p>“Ro, princey, you don’t have to agree just because I suggested it. We can do something else.”</p>
<p>Roman could have burst into tears at that moment. Virgil was just so good to him. He should take the way out, it would just make everything easier. He oh so wanted to but the nagging voice in the back of his head shouted at him that it was a trick, that Virgil was testing him, secretly questioning why Roman wouldn’t want to.</p>
<p>So, Roman shook his head, “I do want to Virgil, I-I just need to check when I can take off of work. You know how busy the restaurant business is during the summer.” Roman replies nervously.</p>
<p>Virgil sighs, “Alright, I believe you.” Virgil leans back against the couch, “You should quit that awful waiter job, they demand so many hours from you and barely pay you enough.”</p>
<p>Roman stares off into the distance before replying, “I wish I could quit too but I need the money and you know how hard it is to get a new job.” <em>Especially if you’re trans.</em></p>
<p>Virgil nodded, knowing that he was very lucky to have the job that he did, all thanks to his friend Janus. Still, he hated how the light behind Roman’s eyes dim every day he is at that job and the physical strain it had on Roman’s gorgeous body. He wishes there was something he could do that wouldn’t seem like a handout. It would be too much of a blow to Roman’s pride.</p>
<p>Virgil smiles, he has a perfect idea. He turns to Roman and asks, “Roman, what would you think about--”</p>
<p>Roman whines in pain and Virgil’s eyes widen in fear. “Are you alright?!”</p>
<p>Roman nods and waves his hand dismissively. “Just chest--I mean stomach pains. I’ll be right back.” Roman runs off to the bathroom. As soon as he locks the door, Roman rips off his shirt and binder. He gasps, taking a deep breath of fresh air.</p>
<p>He knows he shouldn’t be wearing his binder all day, he knows it is not healthy but he can’t help himself. He rather be what (he thinks) Virgil wants than be comfortable.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Virgil is frowning and whispers, “Hey Ro? Want to move in with me?”</p>
<p>Roman pants as he sits on the toilet. His chest was killing him but he could not care less. He took a painkiller from Virgil’s medicine cabinet. Swallowing it dry, he puts his binder and shirt back through the pain. He gets up and leans up against the wall to catch his breath.</p>
<p>“This is fine,” he mumbles to himself like he does every morning, “Everything is fine”<br/>~</p>
<p>Two weeks had pasted and Roman still hadn’t given Virgil an answer. Virgil didn’t bring it up, he knew Roman would give him an answer when he was good and ready.</p>
<p>Roman was pacing, in a big shirt and boxers, with his phone in his hand, open on it was his bank account.</p>
<p>Once he got home from Virgil’s apartment, he quickly checked how much money he had saved. He was surprised to see that he had $8,654 saved up. It had been a while since he last checked. He quickly called around to get top surgery that fit into his budget.</p>
<p>He had a new plan. He would get the surgery, he would go to the beach with Virgil about 3 weeks later, and Virgil would see his surgery scars. Then Roman tell him and they could figure it all out there. If Virgil broke up,</p>
<p>No more avoiding it.</p>
<p>His phone began to vibrate and Roman vibrate and Roman quickly answers it, “Hello? Oh hi, Dr. Travis!”</p>
<p>This doctor had excellent reviews and she was to be trusted. One pleasant conversation later and Roman had an appointment set for a week later for $6,000 with insurance covering some of the cost. He also calls his job, who approves his two weeks of medical leave.</p>
<p>He squeals as soon as he hangs up, this was going to be wonderful. He had to celebrate.</p>
<p>So he calls Virgil, “Stormcloud?”</p>
<p>“Hey Ro, what’s up?”</p>
<p>Roman smiles, “I have great news. Four weeks from Tuesday, I can spend the entire day at the beach with you.”</p>
<p>“Jeez, your job really won’t let you catch a break, can they?”</p>
<p>Roman chuckles, deciding it was best not to mention he was one of the last days off he had after the ones he is using for his appointments and recovery for this. “Well, in any case. I would like to see you before then. I’m working the early shift tomorrow so I’ll be done by 1.”</p>
<p>Roman could hear Virgil smiling on the other side of the line, “Well, you’re in luck Princey. I only have one big meeting after lunch tomorrow. How about we meet for lunch, I hide you in my office while I go to this meeting and then we can go back to my place at 5?”</p>
<p>“That sounds perfectly wonderful.”</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>The lunch was nice. They went to a cheap sandwich shop that was close to Virgil’s work and had a small debate on whether or not putting mayo on Salami was a good or bad thing.</p>
<p>Roman almost immediately regretted agreeing to sit in Virgil’s office. He sat silently, and almost immediately, chest started to ache. Even worse, Virgil’s office needed a key to get into, one that Virgil only had because it was his ID card. Something about security or whatever.</p>
<p>Roman sat in Virgil’s office chair for 3 hours, he kept time on his phone. The second Virgil opened the door, Roman practically threw himself into Virgil’s arms.</p>
<p>“Missed me?”</p>
<p>“Something like that.”</p>
<p>They took the subway home, and Virgil could almost immediately tell something was wrong. Roman seemed to keep fidgeting and had on a fake smile. Virgil contemplated saying something, but by the time his anxiety let him decide, the train had arrived at their stop.</p>
<p>Virgil figured Roman would tell him in due time. Right?</p>
<p>Once they arrive, Virgil sighs as he pulls off his tie. “I am going to take a shower, you can set up a movie or something.”</p>
<p>Roman smiles and kisses Virgil, “Don’t be long.”</p>
<p>“Excuse me princess, but you take over two hours in the showers, I will take all the time I want.”</p>
<p>Roman laughs, “Touché, touché. Go on now. Hurry your cute butt back.” Roman gently pats Virgil’s butt to emphasize his point. Virgil sent him a playful glare and heads off to his bedroom.</p>
<p>Roman smile drops and he immediately takes off his shirt and binder. He loudly gasps and rubs his chest to ease the pain in his chest. He sighs and stretches, Virgil usually takes 30 minutes in the shower, so he was going to give him a 30-minute break.</p>
<p>Or he was...until he turns and sees Virgil standing at the end of the living room where the hallway is attached. He, like Roman, did not have his shirt on. Neither his pants.</p>
<p>Virgil opens and closes his mouth a few times before saying, “I forgot to mention, I-I-I have a bottle of wine.” He gestures vaguely to the kitchen,</p>
<p>Roman covers his chest with his arms, tears appearing quickly.</p>
<p>Virgil takes a step closer, “Ro...have you been...this whole time…?”</p>
<p>“I have to go,” Roman says as he runs to the door, shirt and binder in hand.</p>
<p>“Ro, wait--” Virgil makes a grab for Roman’s arm but misses as Roman runs out of the apartment. Virgil watches him go, knowing he shouldn’t run out in his boxers. He begins pacing, his nerves are on an all-time high, and he tries to steady his breathing so he can come up with a plan to talk to Roman.</p>
<p>Because they really, really, need to talk.</p>
<p>~<br/>Roman didn’t stop running until he got home. Once he got in, thank goodness his keys were safely tucked into his pocket, he threw himself onto his bed and broken down. That had to be the most humiliating moment of his entire life. Virgil’s face had said it all, he was definitely breaking up with him.</p>
<p>He sobs and sobs for what it seems like hours until he tires himself out. He walks up at 4 am to 10 miss calls and 30 texts from Virgil.</p>
<p>
  <strong>From: Stormcloud</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Ro, please call me back.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Princey, let’s just talk, please.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Babe, please, let me know if you’re okay.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m not mad. I just want to talk.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Roman. I’m not going to say what I have to say through text. Call me, please.</em>
</p>
<p>Roman shuts off his phone. He can’t face Virgil right now. He can’t face anything right now. His only saving grace is that he has the night shift at work. He closes his eyes and had a restless sleep.</p>
<p>His dreams were of Virgil walking farther and farther away from him. No matter how much Roman pleaded and begged for him to stay, Virgil just kept walking.</p>
<p>Once he walks up, he remembers reading somewhere that dreams tell the truth, and he knows his truth: Virgil does not want to be with him.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Roman ignores Virgil’s calls and texts between the Bad Day, as Roman dubbed it, and his surgery day. Though it started because Roman couldn’t face him, it then became just because of the surgery.</p>
<p>Roman didn’t like his job, for the most part, but he did have a friend. His name is Patton and he is the nicest person Roman has ever known. Patton was one of the few people who knew Roman is trans and he is a bug supporter in Roman’s life. Patton let him cover all of his shifts so Roman wouldn’t lose money on his time off. He was exhausted from all the work, but the happiness of what is to come pushed him through it. He stopped checking his phone as often as he normally would, despite Patton pushing him to go talk to Virgil.</p>
<p>”It may bit be as bad as you think kiddo,” Patton would say, but Roman was not sure.</p>
<p>Anytime he wasn’t working, he was making trips to the grocery store for his treatment or moving everything off of high shelves since he is not allowed to stretch his arms.</p>
<p>His bottom drawers are filled with baby wipes, scar cream, and ice packs. He also bought big comfy sweaters and ice cream to keep himself comfy.</p>
<p>Roman couldn’t sleep the day before the surgery. He felt every emotion attacking him at once. This was going to be one of the most important days of his life.</p>
<p>The surgery itself wasn’t as bad as he expected, though the anesthesia probably had something to do with it. He found out later he sang a love song to “a very lucky young man” through the 2 hours and 30 minutes. He was embarrassed, to say the least.</p>
<p>Finally came time to see the scars. He froze when the doctor told him. He was lucky to be facing away to the doctor. Could he do this? Would the scars look bad? Would this actually make him as happy as he hoping?</p>
<p>He let out a watery chuckle, he sounded like his boyfriend--his ex-boyfriend. Thinking of Virgil reminded him of all the breathing exercises he learned from Virgil.</p>
<p>He takes a deep breath for four seconds, holds it for seven seconds, and lets it out for eight seconds.</p>
<p>After doing it a few more times, he turns to the mirror. The tears are almost immediate. The scars were bright red but they were thin, as thin as his pointer finger. His chest was as flat as he hoped it would be. This is the happiest he has ever been.</p>
<p>He shakes Dr. Travis’s hand since he is unable to say words. Dr. Travis simply smiles at him and pats his back.</p>
<p>“Now sit down, I have to put the bandages on. Now, make sure to change them every day.” Dr. Travis says.</p>
<p>”Got it, thank you, doctor.” Roman says, managing to get his voice back.</p>
<p>”You’re welcome.” Dr. Travis replies as she gently wraps the bandages around his chest, ”Now, do you have someone coming to pick you up?”</p>
<p>”Yes, of course, as you told me to,” He wasn’t exactly lying, he was planning to call an Uber.</p>
<p>”Good, because all you have to worry about is recovering, okay?” she says with a smile.</p>
<p>Roman nods and soon after, Dr. Travis finishes putting on the bandages. He has to stay in the hospital for another hour to rest before he is properly discharged. He spends most of the hour taking a nap and only 15 minutes on the phone with Patton, which seems strange to him. Roman, once he is allowed to leave, puts on his red zip-up hoodie, ignoring the feeling of his heart pulling because he remembers Virgil buying it for him and heads out of the hospital. Dr. Travis gives him a treatment plan on the way out and Roman puts it into his pocket.</p>
<p>The Uber ride is pleasant enough, the driver lets him drift off in the backseat. He is woken up by the car jerking to a stop in front of his apartment building. He scrambles out of the car while apologizing to the driver.</p>
<p>He runs up the stairs to his apartment, each step making him more tired and as each second passes, the painkiller wears off more and more.</p>
<p>He weakly smiles as his door, knowing that a few behind it is his bed that he can pass out in.</p>
<p>He opens the door and is so shocked to see Virgil behind it that he can’t bring himself to move. Virgil says nothing as he walks over to him. Virgil wraps his arms around Roman’s waist and moves him into the apartment.</p>
<p>Roman yelps and finds his legs walking up to move with Virgil, ”W-W-What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>Virgil whispers, ”We’ll talk later, you need to get to bed.”</p>
<p>Roman doesn’t argue as Virgil half drags him into his bedroom. Roman lays down and Virgil reaches for his hoodie zipper. Roman tries to push his hand away but Virgil is much faster than him. Roman let's out a small whine as Virgil unzips the hoodie. Virgil shushes him and gives him a painkiller and some water. Roman happily drinks it.</p>
<p>As he is falling asleep, Roman says, ”I love you V…”</p>
<p>”I know, I love you too Ro.” is the last thing Roman hears before passing out.</p>
<p>~</p>
<p>Roman wakes up two hours later so feeling something cold touch his chest. He slowly opens his eyes to see Virgil putting an ice pack wrapped in a paper towel on his chest.</p>
<p>Virgil softly smiles at him, “Hey Sleeping Beauty, welcome back to the land of the living.” Virgil gently cups his face. “Stay still so that the ice can do its job. I’ll order food in a bit and put on a movie. What would you like to watch?”</p>
<p>Roman stares at him dumbfounded, but Virgil was not fazed. He fluffs Roman’s pillow without uttering a word. He then rubs Roman’s cheek and Roman shutters at the soft and intimate touch.</p>
<p>“What? How? Why…?” Roman had so many questions he wants to ask.</p>
<p>“When you weren’t answering your phone, I went to your job and I saw you working. That relaxed me enough to let you have some space. I still would walk by every day, hoping you’d see me, and maybe you would come. When I came by earlier today, your coworker came out and invited me in.”</p>
<p>“Patton?”</p>
<p>“Patton. He said he noticed me walking by and I told him about you. He spent his break talking to me about you. You have a good friend.” Virgil says with a smile.</p>
<p>“I know, Pat’s great.” Roman can’t help but smile back. “I’m guessing he told you about the surgery?”</p>
<p>“Yup so I came here. Knowing you, you wouldn’t ask for help and try to take care of yourself.” Roman looks away and pouts, and Virgil kisses the pout away. The kiss makes Roman stare at him confused, but Virgil just continues, “So I asked your building’s maintenance guy to let me in to surprise you. I did not think that work, you should have seen me, I was so nervous, but he said he’s seen you let me in enough times and he said this was one time only so now I am here.”</p>
<p>Roman blinks at Virgil for a few seconds, trying to figure out what he says. Virgil sits there, so patient and understanding that it only manages to confuse “But why?”</p>
<p>“Why what?”</p>
<p>Roman began to cry, but he is too tired to care. “Why would you want to take care of me? I’ve been keeping a huge secret from you for over a year, I’ve been lying to you over a year. I haven’t been as intimate as I deserve to be and you probably desire to because I can’t be. I will never be a true man physically, no matter what I do. And the way you found out, not from me telling you. You should hate me, be mad, anything. I wouldn't hold it against you.”</p>
<p>Virgil sits on the bed and puts his arm around Roman, “Roman, I don’t know who told you otherwise, but when I tell someone I love them, I love all of them. Especially you, you are my boyfriend. You are everything I want and more. I love your body, I’ve loved it since we met. I wouldn’t care if we never had sex, if it met I could be with you. And don’t call yourself anything but a man, because I will fight you about it and have Patton help me.”</p>
<p>Roman laughs but stops, his insecurities taking over once more, “But the way you were looking at me that day…you looked so disgusted”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t, I will never disgusted with you. I was scared. I saw the binder and how red your chest was. I was scared that you were hurting yourself for me.”</p>
<p>“Oh...I’m sorry.” Roam replies while lower his head.</p>
<p>Virgil tilts it up, “Don’t apologize to me, you owe an apology to your body. I’ll make you do it too.”</p>
<p>Roman pulls Virgil into a kiss and Virgil happily kisses back. They will be okay, actually better than okay. Virgil will take of Roman his whole recovery, taking his vacation time to do so. They would spend the time talking, finally no secrets between them. Virgil will ask him to move in as he drives him home from his checkup with Dr. Travis and Roman will happily say yes. Roman will finally let Virgil help me and Roman saves up the money for his bottom surgery and gets a better job with Virgil’s recommendation. Though he will miss working with Patton, they will hang out every weekend to make up for it. It will be a wonderful future.</p>
<p>But right now, they both just need to kiss and breathe because they are happy and together.</p>
<p>~</p>
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